Christmas on the Dwarf
by CeliaEquus
Summary: They've already exchanged presents, but Lister has one more present for Rimmer, something the hologram really was NOT expecting. Disclaimer: I don't own 'Red Dwarf' in any way, shape, or form. Well, I have one book, but that's it. And I'm not making any money from writing fan fiction about it, so. Happy Christmas!


"Christmas on the Dwarf"

"I hope you like your present from me, _Arn_."

There wasn't much to do when it came to Christmas on Red Dwarf. If they risked getting the decorations out, Cat would just run off with the shiniest baubles, or pull all the tinsel down thinking it was fancy string, or even knock things off the tree while batting them like toys. There was no smegging point.

And they couldn't exactly go out and buy presents. The easiest thing to do was hide things in your pockets when searching through derelicts, and keep them hidden until December the twenty-fifth. There wasn't any wrapping paper, so they had to get creative. For Lister, creative was toilet paper he drew on with markers. For Rimmer, he used old paper forms, with 'Merry Christmas' written on the lines.

Kryten did his bit by making the best feast he could. Once he understood Christmas, he had no problem using his ability to lie and conceal to hide any decent food he collected from derelicts and other planets, keeping it locked away in the deep freeze, so that there would be something special. He had to remind Cat when it was time to find something to give the others. (It usually ended up being his 'beautiful self gracing their presence'.)

Rimmer made a face. Their first derelict after blowing up the simulant death ship was only a couple of weeks ago, so 'buying' presents there had been cutting it close.

"It was fine, Listy," he said, referring to the awful green scarf that reminded him of his old uniform with the antennae-d hat. It was actually really warm; not that he needed that because one, he was a hologram, and two, they regulated the temperature inside Red Dwarf. But it was the thought that counts, and it honestly could've been a lot worse.

"`Cause I've got you something else," Lister said, smirking at him from his place at the table. "D'you wanna know what it is?"

"Probably not," Rimmer replied. He winced when Lister's face fell. "Sorry. Habit." Lister brightened. "But I didn't get you anything else. Just… that." He waved his hand at the xylophone he'd managed to find. He hadn't been able to find the hammer to go with it, and half the music book was missing. But his roommate had been pathetically mourning the loss of his guitar for months now, and it was grating on his nerves.

"It's great, man," Lister said. "And you got the book with it."

"What was left. I couldn't find anything else."

Lister waved it off. "Anyways, I've got you something else."

"You're not giving me one of those fake-quartz amulets you got for the Cat, are you?"

"Nope."

"Or a new scrubbing brush, like you gave to Kryten?"

"Wrong again. But I like the game," he said, and Rimmer laughed with him. That'd gotten rid of the tension at least. "Just stay there."

Rimmer tensed as Lister approached, his steps not quite steady. He had told Kryten time and time again not to bring back any booze when they went scrounging for supplies. It was easy to tell who was the mechanoid's favourite.

"Merry Christmas, Arnold," Lister said, and he taped a sprig of some kind of plant on the bunk above where Rimmer was perched. He squeaked as Lister grabbed him by his hair, and pulled him up for a pretty damned uncoordinated kiss. The alcohol was strong on his bunk-mate's breath, and he pushed him back.

"What do you think you're doing, Lister?" he spat, and he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Lister was grinning drunkenly, not at all phased by Rimmer's reaction.

"I know exactly what I'm doing, Rimsy," Lister said, and he ran a finger down Rimmer's cheek. "And I know exactly _who_ I'd like to be doing."

"Not while you're drunk, miladdo," Rimmer said, shoving Lister back a few more steps. Rather than looking disappointed, Lister beamed at him.

"When I'm sober, then," he said, and he swung himself up onto the top bunk, clothes and all.

"What? T-that's not what I meant at all!"

"See you in the morning, Rimmer," Lister said, and the hologram could hear him yawn. Seconds later, there was only snoring. Rimmer sighed, and lay back down in his bed, squirming into a more comfortable position.

Before he powered down for the night, he looked up at the sprig of what he guessed was supposed to represent mistletoe, but looked more like plastic poison ivy with red pom-poms glued on. He considered throwing it to the other side of the room.

But the promise of what could happen in the morning – well, knowing Lister's hangovers, late evening – stayed his hand. Instead, he smiled softly, and crossed his arms under his head.

"See you in the morning, Dave," he whispered.

It could stay.

* * *

**This is the second Christmas one-shot that I've written this year, and the third Christmas fic I've worked on this Yuletide season. That leaves two more of my fandoms to go. Reckon I can do it?**

**(Probably not.)**

**That's the spirit!**

**So this is supposed to be set sometime after RDX "The Beginning". Wasn't sure where it was going when I started it; thank goodness it was more cohesive – and slightly more romantic – than my "Labyrinth" Christmas fic. Damn. I just realised that I was going to make them have this conversation about the mistletoe, but the characters led me astray. Darn you, characters! *Shakes fist***

**Yeah. No conversation re. mistletoe. Not much conversation at all, actually, which is unusual for me. Hmm.**

**Did you like it? My first seasonal "Red Dwarf" fic!**


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